I have never blogged before but I am assuming it is like writing in a journal and I am very good at that. I am getting ready to go through a deployment with my husband, and we have been married for so long, and he has been military for so long that people just assume that this is his second or third deployment, and when I am upset that he is leaving and it is his first, I feel like crap because other military wives have actually been through 2 or 3 deployments. We have never had to deal with this yet, not from his lack of trying, he volunteered many times to deploy but he was a recruiter and was not in the position to go so I was lucky, and I felt protected from the big bad world out there. So yes I guess I am a little selfish I don't want him to go. I didn't want him to go before and I don't want him to go now! He would be so angry if he heard me say those words, and we never fight, we have the perfect marriage even after 9 years. I would like to think I am a good wife but I think that maybe I am not such a good wife at this point! God says a wife is supportive and submissive and I think lately I have been distant and depressed. I have been nervous and it has been making me ill and that has been making him worry about me, his concern is that if I can't take care of myself while he is here, then what am I going to do while he is gone. I did try to sit down with him and explain to him that he needs to understand that I have an illness and it takes a lot outof me on a normal basis, and with all the extra stress of him leaving I am not going to be normal for a while and I needed him to understand that for me and to just be there and not lecture me about it, that as far as my health goes I am really doing the best that I can, and that is the trust. Once he is gone and the anticipation is gone then my nerves will calm down and I should get back down to an even level and hopefully the butterflies will go away and I will be normal again. Why can't it all just be easy? Why do I do the wrong things even if I am littereally trying to do the right things? It is like my head is right but somewhere in the back there is something there that will make sure that the right thing doesn't get done just so that there is something there to stress him out about, all of a sudden I become a burden instead of the person that he loves and can count on to take care of everything while he is gone.
There is no one anywhere that I can count on like I can count on him, he is always there for me, and of course here I am whining that he isn't going to be here. I am afraid of him not being here, I am afraid he will find a better person than me while he is gone. I am afraid he wont miss me, I have all of these irrational fears (caused by a jerk of an ex) that I can't help but have and I know they are ridiculous, we fit, we always will fit, we are absolutely perfect together, always, there isn't another man in the world that would fit with me better than my husband, I know this, and he knows there is no one in this world that would love him or give him more than me.
My other fears while he are gone, I am starting a business, this should keep me busy, it's not so much right now, but it hopefully will. I am hoping it will help the time fly by because it will keep me busy. I NEED BUSY!!!!! I will start 10 businesses to keep busy if I have to! I am very active in our Church but summer is coming up and there isn't much to be active in during the summer, I usually deal with childrens programs because I am great with the children.
I am sitting here thinking who knows where this journey is going to lead me, God will watch over my husband, he isn't going to get out of going to Iraq just because I don't want him to go, maybe his trip will be shortned but not cancelled, I need to just give it all to God and start this whole Journey from scratch with him. Look at it from a new perspective, instead of the cynical one I have been, yes I am going to miss him with every fiber of my being, and yes I will worry about him, but he will be safe because we have faith and that is all we need, to KNOW he is going to make it home. So instead of whining I should be planning and encouraging. At least on the outside for my husband, after we have a long talk about how I have been feeling lately, I owe him the honesty of that before we move on. To the next phase which scares me!
THE LEAVE before deployment! We will kill each other if he is home for 3 weeks! But I know to make the best of it because I wont see him again for a very very LONG time.
Blessed are we that are truly loved
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I came across your blog today at milblogging.com. I too am new to this, as I just started writing a little over a week ago. i always wrote in a journal also, but I find that writing in my "journal" online is a lot more fun. My husband is deployed to Iraq now and has been gone since last October. I did not know how in the world I would survive this. I have to admit the first 2-3 months were just a blur... It does help if you can stay busy... We will have been married 25 years this July (which means not being together for our 25th anniversary, missed the 20th one too) and He has just over 20 years in the National Guard. We would not be going thru this if he had not gotten out of the guard for 6 years but, who knew what the future held?? We have a son who is 23 and a daughter whi is 21 and thank God that they are still home, I would have never made it here alone..... I just never thought he would have to go to Iraq since he was on active duty in 2003-2004 for Operation Noble Eagle. he was supposedly going to be out of the Guard by the time our Oklahoma National Guard was ready for it's next deployment. But that's when they changed the rules. So here I am......doing my best while I wait for him to return in october. I too am very active in our church, and i have had a lot of "conversations" with God, telling Him that how i took this deployment was not a surprise to Him...it has not been easy. There are still times when I get sad, but somehow I have made it thru, just as I am praying you will. A lot of people just don't realize how hard this really is. It's especially hard if a person lives in a very small community and you are the only military family around. I don't know if that's the case with you. Just know that I for one pray every day for our military and their families....
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