Blessings

God blesses us with so many things, and we tend to drown out our blessings with our sorrow. The Bible tells us to rejoice even in times of great sorrow, that we should rejoice in the Lord always. I have been making sure that although my husband is gone to rejoice everyday for all of the blessings that I have in my life. Today I have a daughter turning 16 years old, and she was surprised that I could focus on her at all, with my DH leaving last Friday. But she has been a blessing in my life for 16 years and I thank God for her everyday. I think we don't thank God enough for the things we do have, and we continue to ask for more. We don't trust God with our DH, we want to take care of everything ourselves, and then we become overwhelmed. Then we wonder why we are sick, from stress and worry. God is just telling us to slow down, that He has this, that He wants to carry us and take care of us. When we feel like we can't count on anyone else in our lives, He is ALWAYS there to sustain us. He is always there to be our friend, our Father. He will listen to all of our secrets, and then the best part is He will forgive us. We can't always say that about a friend, or our husband. He will never judge us or yell at us. I think that is so amazing, He is just there to hold us in His heart and Love us unconditionally. Some women run all their lives looking for that unconditional love when all they really have to do is look up. I marvel at my children and their individual relationships with God. It is amazing thing to see innocent young children love God as much as they do, and hunger to learn about Him. Then to see grown people run from Him they way that they do is so sad. I just wish that they could see how He loves us. It is so amazing, He gave us His all, everything He had. Would we be willing to make the same sacrifice for Him???? Just something to think about on a day when I am so thankful for the gift of my very beautiful daughter, my husband may be away, but he will be safe because he is in God's hands while he is away.

He left yesterday and today he is in Iraq. There is nothing like watching the one you love stepping on a bus and driving away from you. The butterflies in your stomach and the empty feeling that you have as the slowly diappear. Today is his birthday and he is halfway around the world, fighting for our freedom. On September 11, 2001 we were attacked and he woke up to the worst birthday he would ever remember. Today he landed in Kuwait to fight a war that began in 2001 on his birthday, a day that we didn't could never have imagined would bring us here. My hubsband has always had a deep love for his country and I am so proud of him and I love him so much. I would not change a day of our lives for anything. God has blessed us so much, and I am thankful for everyday with him. I will count down everyday he is gone, until he is home again. I wish he was home today, but I am proud of where he is and what he is doing.

Another day, another prayer sent up. I know he couldn't be in better hands. It is like a party at my house everyday because I am afraid to be left alone to much with him because I am afraid that I will lose it in front of him and he just doesn't need to see that right now. I want him to leave me being strong. The ROCK for the kids. So I am finding things to keep us super busy so there is nothing to just sit around and let my mind wonder and thing about it to much.
I do love our church, I know I wouldn't make it without them, when they layed they hands on my husband and prayed over him, I could just feel the love pouring over him. We truly have this amazing family, that loves us, surrounding us here. We couldn't be more blessed. But I know that when I am sitting in that parking lot watching him board that bus I will be going through that grieving proccess all over again.
I finally had the chance to sit down and explain to DH about what the feelings are that we go through when they leave. How it is that we feel. How our life is exactly the same, that we do the same thing everyday, that it is almost like they die when they leave. That we actually have to go through a mourning process when they leave. It is because our lives are exactly the same as if they had died, other than the fact that they can call us. We become single parents. They don't go through the same mental seperation that we do because everything in their lives changes, they have nothing stays the same for them. They don't have they same surroundings, they don't do the same activities. Everything is almost the exact opposite for them, they have hardly anything there that reminds them of us over there, they don't do anything there that reminds them of us. While we are over here, washing dishes, or going to the grocery store and thinking of our DH. I try to reboot my life when my husband leaves and it totally irritates him, he thinks that I am trying to forget him, which is what I am trying to do, but not in the way that he thinks I am. I just want to help myself not dwell on missing him.
I think that, that is the best way to not focus on them being gone for as long as they are going to be gone.
Being busy does make the time go by faster.

Another Deployment

It is funny how when it is time for deployment it seems like they just got home. We are gearing up for yet another deployment to Iraq, and when we watch the news all we hear about, is how everyone is coming home.
It is even worse because I have to be strong, I have to show him I will be ok while he is gone. We don't cry on front of our spouses, we excuse ourselves and go to the bathroom. As we sit in church, we turn our heads as the tears roll down our cheeks because we realize that in a week or two our husbands wont be sitting next to us. We know that the first time we have to sit alone in church is almost harder than anything else we have to do. For me, I have to look up at the drum set and not see my husband sitting there, or watch someone else playing "his" drums. There are so many things you do together, but there are those few things that you ALWAYS do that are harder than most.
We went grocery shopping yesterday, that is the one thing, other than church, that I had the hardest time with during the last deploment. My kids would have eaten cereal every night if it wasn't for a few of my friends. I have such a hard time shopping without my husband, it is just something I associate with him, we have always done it together. Most men would cringe if they had to go grocery shopping, but my husband goes, or we go together.
How do you survive the things that make you feel empty while they are gone? Thank goodness there are only a few of them. I remember one day during his last deployment I just felt like I couldn't deal with him being gone anymore, and I was in bed. I was praying, and crying, because we all know that as a military spouse we cry a lot. God answered my prayer and I felt his arms around me, it was comforting, and something that I so desperately needed, at that time. God answers prayers, when we need them the most. I know that I will be fine, and I will pray a lot again. I know there are a lot of other wives going through this with me, and they feel the same way that I do. They dit in church on Sunday morning just like I do, wishing that their husbands were by their sides too, and they will be, just not today or tomorrow. We have to let them do what they have to do, my husband wouldn't be the man that he is if he wasn't serving his country, and he is definately a good man. I wouldn't love him if he wasn't.

Way to soon

Isn't it funny that when we want time to rush by us it goes so slowly you feel like you are going to die? But when we are trying to savor every memory and cherish every moment, as us army wives do when our DH is leaving, it rushes by. I feel as though I have fallen into that boat today, I have been acting as if nothing is wrong for so long that I swear a 2x4 slapped me in the head today. He is leaving (of course I already knew that) but it is time, and I have to let go and face it. I thought I would be able to be strong until after he left but I lost it today and I haven't been able to stop the flow of tears that I don't want him to see. He is so excited to go and serve his country and I don't want to take that away from him, through tears. Doesn't it break their hearts enough that they are leaving their family behind, that any extra flow of tears and emotions isn't good for them. I get that they need to know we will miss them and that we love them, I knew it was going to be hard I just didn't expect it to be impossible. I thought I was stronger than this. So what do we do when we can't face the person we love because we don't want them to hurt? How do we handle this situation? Will it get easier to deal with in time? I don't think it does, as I was in church crying after service my best friend came up and hugged me and then started crying because she misses her DH so much it breaks her heart everyday. So does this mean that I am going to be a walking basket case for the next 15 months? Am I strong enough to lean on someone that isn't my DH? I know that I have a wonderful family through our church and I feel blessed but I am not the type of person to lean on anyone or ask for help. So after he leaves, what do I do? How do I be strong when I feel so weak?

9 days

The time is getting closer, I did talk to DH last night about who he will be last night. I talked to one of my friends yesterday morning and since her husband has been home things are getting progressively worse. I am not going to lie it scared me down to the very core of my being. I have a wonderful husband and should this change him I wont know what I should do about it. I don't want to be like my friends and be afraid to broch the subjects that are hard to deal with. I also want him to know if he comes back and acts as they are, I wont hesitate to get him help to fix the problem, I am not going to be afraid of helping him. I know military men care about their careers first and foremost, and some of the things that go on behind closed doors that I am seeing would or could end some careers. I just know if it were my husband I would stop at nothing to get him help, his well being is more important to me than anything else. I guess I can feel this way because I know he is going to be retiring soon after he gets back.
He is so excited to go, this is what he joined for. He is finally able to do something with all o his training! If not this then what is the military all about. I fully support my husbands career and I am reluctantly supporting this. I know I am going to miss him, I have to give it to God that he will be safe. When we posted his flag at church yesterday and had his going away party, it truly hit me that he is leaving. I am going to lose my best friend for the next 15 months. That is such a long time.
How are my kids going to handle this? Can I be the mother and father to them that they will need? How do I try to fill such large shoes? Daddy is always the hero, we are the caretakers, how will they feel without him for so long?
Sometimes I feel like I have more questions than answers!

preparing

Ok so the time is coming closer to him leaving, and as he prepares to go alot of my friends husbands are coming home. My husband is amazingly kind and truthfully he spoils me rotten. I don't want him to leave for Iraq, for 15 months and then come home as a totally different person.
I have several friends that are dealing with these issues, PTSD on the extreme side, how do you support that, you don't KNOW what they went through so you can't relate to them, this frightens me. I have another friend and her DH wont sleep at night and he is heavily drinking every day. They wont talk to their spouses about it, and if my friends try to talk about it, they are snapped at and then the subject has to be dropped.
So as I am getting ready for DH to leave, and don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, I am afraid that when he comes home I will not know my DH and I will have lost my best friend. There is no one that I am closer to, or that I would rather spend time with. But will I recognize the man he is when he comes home?
Will I be the same person he left behind?
I don't want to lose my best friend, I hate sounding selfish, has this happened to a lot of you? Is everything I am seeing the norm, or an exception?

Blessings
Mel